She’s married to a trickster who was once a whiskey jay
They fell in love, two minstrels on the road to Barrel Bay
She tries to make excuses for a love that fell away
But all they ever do is find another vow to say
She says a solemn promise gets within ya
Until her love becomes a sea anemone
In Mayhem, West Virginia

He looks up to the sun behind a slate of pewter grey
A slowly drowning fisherman who cannot catch a ray
He tries to make excuses for a life he pissed away
But all he cannot do is find a bed of shells to lay
He thinks out loud, “there’s no one there to mourn ya”
When you are just a pirate of misfortune
In Mayhem, California

I offer affirmation for one third the going rate
I’m sellin’ compensation for a dollar 38
I’m full of bad excuses for the trust I piss away
But all I ever do is find a way to never pay
I’m a policy who hits his sales quota
By sellin’ reassurance to the residents
Of Mayhem, South Dakota

No barn to house a livery, no horses for the dray
I gave up all that misery for the glasses on this tray
I try to make excuses for the days I piss away
But all I ever do is have a drink and it’s OK
It’s no calling but it’s mine, this dipsomania
My best friend and my downfall, in these tumblin’ hills
Of Mayhem, Pennsylvania

I hang beneath the Spanish moss, where cattails swing and sway
My board and duct tape palace in a state of disarray
I try to make excuses for the homes I pissed away
But all I ever do is find another place to stay
Like some 2020 cartoon scoundrel hippie
I’ll see you on a dirt road somewhere, lost
Outside Mayhem, Mississippi

Who knew I’d be a catatonic statue on display
Who knew that I’d find paradise inside a bale of hay
I try to find excuses in the time that slips away
But all I ever do is furnish models of decay
Well, maybe I could wake up from this coma
If God would open heaven and shine light down
On Mayhem, Oklahoma

The wind and I agreed, we both adore the month of May
But I led it to the open fields and now it’s gone astray
I try to make excuses for a true love pissed away
But all I ever do is find a lover to betray
A lonely and pathetic Casanova
Who sees his chance for happiness dissolving
In Mayhem, Nova Scotia

I’m a knight in shining armour with no dragons left to slay
Or maybe just a guy who lives to fight another day
I try to make excuses for a story pissed away
But all I ever do is find a phony to portray
I’m still runnin’ from the birthplace of my shadow
My name is Jerry Morse, I’m a citizen
Of Mayhem, Colorado